But boundaries—healthy boundaries—can actually strengthen our connection and bolster our relationship with our partner. For instance, when you set a boundary that creates space for both partners to focus on their interests and desires, rather than one person having control over the other, each spouse feels heard, said Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples and premarital counseling in Marin Country, Calif.
According to psychologist and relationship expert Susan Orenstein, Ph. D, boundaries are limits each partner sets to feel safe, respected and valued in the relationship. This prevents partners from feeling threatened. Which is critical because if they do feel threatened, instead of feeling joy and warmth or experiencing spontaneity, their mental energy will be spent on scanning for danger, she said. A common way of describing personal boundaries is where you end and others begin. Boundaries also help couples get on the same page, said Priscilla Rodriguez, LMFT, a relationship therapist who specializes in infidelity, sex and intimacy and military couples in San Antonio, Texas.
But, of course, not all boundaries are created equal. Setting a boundary around personal time. Norton noted that time to yourself might mean anything from savoring your solitude to socializing with friends to engaging in your favorite hobby. Setting a boundary around public and private. For example, the authors constantly take credit for their patients' successful therapy outcomes -- "I was able to show them that these are areas of 'preference,' not right or wrong.
The best therapists I've known back away from taking credit for their patients' hard work. Jun 09, Linda rated it it was amazing Shelves: christian , marriage , favorites , psychology. I loved this book! I do not give five stars to many books, but this book is worth every star. It is what I've been looking for, praying for, and longing for for years.
It answers troubling questions, and gives hopeful, helpful, healthy advice to struggling marriages, especially when you have no idea how to fix what's wrong. It should be required reading for every newly married couple, as it would significantly reduce the divorce rate in our churches, if not our country.
I highly recommend Bounda I loved this book! I highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage! I feel like I need to immediately read it again. I've read Boundaries, and it was life changing. This book helped me apply that to my marriage, and gave me a much-needed slap in the face on how I was deceiving myself from reality of how my actions were effecting others. Seriously, even if you're not a Christian, it has very real principles. This is a terrific book, discussing many aspects of marriage and not just boundary setting.
I borrowed it from my local library, but I'd like to buy my own copy so I can read it again and apply it more effectively to my own life. I learned a lot from reading this book. They had good stories to illustrate their points as well.
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I liked their idea that it takes individual people to make a marriage, and that each partner needs to claim their own stuff. Pretty good stuff. Great book. Highly recommend it. Great resource, and works with a variety of concerns and situations. Shelves: I like this book better than I thought.
It started off a bit vague, but quickly started to come together. It has been probably the best marriage book I've read next to For Women Only. Apr 25, Lynn Joshua rated it really liked it. Highly recommended, especially to those who have been brought up with a traditional understanding of marriage roles. This study provides a much needed balance. Jun 18, Missy rated it really liked it. I'm glad I read an online version of this, because the cover pictured here looks pretty hideous. But the content is helpful to people dealing with any number and severity of marital issues.
I definitely recommend this as a marriage book. The only reason I didn't give it five stars is because I thought the writing wasn't very clear in two sections. Boundaries lead to order, responsibility and respect. It's true of property as well as relationships. Cloud and Townsend explain healthy boundaries an I'm glad I read an online version of this, because the cover pictured here looks pretty hideous.
Boundaries in Marriage
Cloud and Townsend explain healthy boundaries and how to express them to your spouse. They also cover setting boundaries on yourself, which is not as well written. But it covers ways you can begin recognizing how your own relational habits usually contribute to whatever patten is going on in your marriage. When you recognize an unhelpful patten, set boundaries around it to change at least your part in the pattern. I got the point, but I think it could have been written more clearly if they weren't wedded to the boundaries analogy.
Another section is about setting boundaries from intruders. I think this section was underdeveloped, so people seeking help in that area may need to consult another source. The most valuable part, I think, is how to handle a marriage with a partner who does not respect boundaries. If you have read relationship books only to be left feeling like you've TRIED all that, and it doesn't help, this section will help. It's specific and thorough, and explains why the more common ways of handling relationships don't work.
Cloud and Thompson are Christians committed to helping marriages stay together, but they don't fall back on the unfortunately common "Christian" advice of the wife needs to respect, the husband needs to lead, and all will be well. Boundaries is a good tool to have in your kit. May 07, Remah Jane rated it liked it. This book was written for a practicing Christian audience. Despite not being a member of this group, I did derive good lessons and insights from reading it.
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Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend start out introducing the concept of boundaries and advise the individual that personal growth and development is essential to ensuring a healthy relationship. I learned a lot about myself through the pages that followed, places where I can improve in romantic and platonic relationships. They encourage taking all ste This book was written for a practicing Christian audience. They encourage taking all steps with love and patience, always seeking support of family and friends, but refraining from triangling those support persons. I think this book is helpful for anyone considering a relationship or for anyone who has been in a relationship or even anyone who is in a relationship, you just may need to look past all of the God centric and scripture focused texts Sep 26, Ericka Clouther rated it liked it Shelves: nonfiction , author-male , christianity , 0-borrowed , s , marriage , love.
Christian advice on marriage. Not terrible advice even if you're not Christian or are Christian but are dubious of Biblical marriage advice. Focuses on how to respect each other and cultivate real love based on mutual respect and empathy.
There was nothing novel for me but clearly, a lot of people could benefit from these views. Lots of wisdom and practical advice in this book. A boundary is something you set for yourself not against other people. It goes over a lot what you are responsible for including your feelings, attitudes, choices, values and behaviors. I read this book for over a year. We started reading it and going over it with another couple but didn't finish it together.
I'm glad I finished it. Aug 30, Karlee Martinez rated it it was amazing. Tough yet necessary concepts for me. This book changed my marriage. Jun 03, Shhhhh Ahhhhh rated it really liked it. I'm declining to rate this book because I feel that my own ambivalence towards God as a tool leveraged against mundane problems and my own emotional turbulence around the subject of boundaries make me hopelessly biased away even from my baseline level of objectivity.
I will give a brief review. This book is about the ways in which insufficient, or insufficiently defended boundaries can sour relationships, giving many examples and permutations thereof, and sets about remedies. The themes are fair I'm declining to rate this book because I feel that my own ambivalence towards God as a tool leveraged against mundane problems and my own emotional turbulence around the subject of boundaries make me hopelessly biased away even from my baseline level of objectivity.
The themes are fairly consistent. All activities in this book should be set about in the spirit of love for self and partner, not urge to control, not urge to placate, not fear of outcome, and not sole self-interest. Boundaries exist to protect each partner's soul, not to inflict unnecessary rules.
They are rules which are good for the relationship. The boundary sorting process can be painful but it is necessary.
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The relationship also needs boundaries as a whole to prevent erosion or theft from outside intrusion. Walking away from discussions, arguments, or entire relationships, or merely distancing one's self from intense emotional encounters, is a defense mechanism that may be effective in other areas of life but is destructive in the context of a relationship. Lack of boundaries is often a result of the experience of a lack of choice, but typically there are options that have been unexplored to resolve boundary issues.
Dissolution of a relationship, outside of cases of dangerous, violent or abusive behavior, is a means of last resort and represents a failure either to confront the problem or to work on it and grow as individuals. Maybe I'll read this again sometime. Nov 21, Graeme rated it liked it. Don't be fooled by my rating. There is a lot of good information in this book. I highly recommend it to anyone who is in a committed relationship or who is ever thinking of it. It would actually be a four-star rating if Goodreads' system allowed finer grading, like 3.
Because an "excellent but not perfect" has to be given four stars instead of 4. The book is full of good information and illuminating examples, even if many of Don't be fooled by my rating. The book is full of good information and illuminating examples, even if many of the transgressions they use in the examples are things that I haven't experienced or aspects of human behaviour that I have just never understood in the first place.
I found the first part of the book to be a little longer than necessary, and it felt like it was forcing information into a biblical framework, which really wasn't necessary. I find statements like "God designed boundaries to promote love and truth" to be irritating, because 1 as far as I can tell, a boundary is not the kind of thing that would be designed but rather a sort of an intangible thing that is just there between other intangible things; and 2 there is no way we can know with any certainty what God has in mind when He designs things.
The second part was much better. I found the discussion in chapter 4 "It Takes Two to Make One" to be most enlightening, and it caused me to think pretty deeply about the past 25 years. In addition to writing about mental disorders, she blogs regularly about body and self-image issues on her Psych Central blog, Weightless.
Find help or get online counseling now. By Margarita Tartakovsky, M. Associate Editor. Boundaries Are About You When you have clear boundaries, you know where you end and your partner begins, according to Cloud and Townsend. Boundaries are really about you.
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